I Don’t Want to Numb Out, What do I Do?
“I stumbled upon your “shadow comforts” blog posts and could almost scream because this is ME! This is such a stupid question, but what do I do with all the free time? I know I use shadow comforts (eating, TV, mindless internet surfing, sugar, caffeine) but how do I figure out what I *should* be doing with that time instead or what I’m trying to hide? I KNOW it’s under there but I’m having a tough time figuring out what I’m trying to cover, if that makes sense.”
This is SO not a stupid question. NOT AT ALL! It is a genius question. It is the kind of question that unlocks everything that matters.
Numbing out emotions is what gets in the way of so many things we want in life I remember asking something similar of my therapist somewhere in my 30s:
“But why wouldn’t I binge crunchy cookies? What could possibly make me feel better?”
Before I get to “What could be better than to numb out and use shadow comforts,” let’s explore What does it mean to be emotionally numb? There are lots of definitions of emotional numbness. Brene Brown has a great one of course.
My definition of numbing out emotions is whatever you do because you can’t be yourself.
When you think about it, numbing out is often something we choose because we are rejecting who we are. As in…
- We wish we didn’t make that stupid comment that hurt our friend’s feelings.
- We wish we looked different in our favorite dress.
- We wish we could open our hearts more to our step-child.
- We wish we were a more successful writer or artist or business owner.
The list is kind of endless, right? There’s always another way to judge ourselves for not being someone more or better. Next time you numb out, notice if the desire or craving for numbing started with a form of self-aggression or self-judgment. With a rejection of yourself or your experience. Even a little bitty-one.
Back to the question: I Don’t Want to Numb Out, What do I Do? See that word *should* in the question? That is the KEY WORD that sends us straight into the numbing maw of shadow comforts.
Because should supersedes your own desires and instincts.
It puts your power to choose your life outside of you, out there with the famous ever-threatening “They” who know better than you. Only they don’t. They never did, they never will. Now here is where the good part comes in, here is what is so much better than numbing out emotions: being here, not numb.
When you keep dropping the idea you need to be anyone different or better than you are, when you remember that is nothing that needs to be rooted out and fixed about you, nothing you should be doing better, you relax a little bit. And it gets easier to be here, just as you are.
Then you can practice pausing before you open Instagram or the carton of Little Debbies Nutty-Buddies, and ask, “What do I really want?” or “What would feel really good right now?” or “What am I hungry for?”
You don’t expect an instant answer nor do you expect it to fit a “perfect picture” of being creative, industrious, or productive (that would be a crappy should operating again).
You listen and follow what you hear. You trust yourself. Now I know none of this tells you what you should do with your time rather than numb out and fall into shadow comforts. And that’s because ultimately what numbing out emotions and shadow comforts are inviting you to do is walk through the doorway of desire into the ever-present now of enoughness.
Into wonder, aliveness, and LIFE that is present everywhere, even in the midst of loss and pain and everyday annoyances like spilling your fresh coffee all over your new mauve blouse.
In the end, we numb out because being imperfectly who we are, using our life’s time and energy the way we want, is the ultimate act of an uppity woman. So go explore, get curious, be here, and tell me what happens.
And if you want to know more about numbing out and shadow comforts, you can read The Life Organizer or Why Bother? Discover the Desire for What’s Next. Thanks!
Want to get your bother on starting now?
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I could talk about shadow comforts all. day. long. For me, I think the biggest epiphany came when I realized that I wasn’t even letting myself believe that there might be some way to meet my true needs. In that world, the one where my needs and desires weren’t valid, shadow comforts were the only way to keep me going. Just inserting that little bit of possibility — the trust that *maybe* my needs and desires could be met — opened the door to an entirely new world.
important article and timely for me. And I so agree with what Kylie just wrote too. That shadow coming out when we aren’t meeting our true needs. It’s like we think the world won’t hear us because in childhood it didn’t matter. When I grab for the sugar, I usually need some comfort or even a nap! My rebellious self that doesn’t want to be pushed anymore. Maybe we are all just looking for balance…
balance and also to be heard and seen by ourselves. To be witnessed and validated.
exactly! so well said Kylie! True needs + yes it might just be possible to own them and have them filled = big wide open heart of soft choices. I trust my needs and desires are valid. Ahhhh..
I love this post!
Brene Brown’s work has given so much depth to the work I do with clients and myself around numbing out instead of living the life you WANT to live- but to really look at it and see where it’s covering up the idea of not-enough-ness and lack- This line sums it up for me:
“Being here, not numb. When you entertain the idea there is nothing bad about you that you need to fix, you relax a little bit”.
A few years ago I started asking myself the questions you suggest when I was feeling myself slip into numb out mode. Just doing the asking created the space for me to choose what I really needed. It made all the difference.
Yes! It’s amazing in the 21 years I have been asking women to ask themselves “What do you want?” and talking about desire, it never fails to shift things deeply.
I’m sending you a virtual “high Five” teeheehahah
This is spot on. Sharing it everywhere, thank you for writing. x
thanks for reading!
Oh wow! Seeking approval rather than sovereignty. That’s it, THAT’S it, that’s IT!
Yes, I know that one well too Paula.
This lovingly gave my heart a little squeeze today and made me sit up and notice…. I do feel numb, and I am struggling mightily with my messy humanity today. So, thanks for the naming of this as such… I am breathing & putting one foot in front of the other….
me, too!
This really hit home. In exploring this, I see a fine line in actions I choose. When is it comfort and when is it just being lazy? And how do I wean myself off of shadow comfort to do what I truly desire but unwilling to do?
Two thoughts, these may or may not make sense!
The only way to know if you are comforting yourself or just being lazy… is not to know. Not trying to get all Yoda here but the part of you and me that wants to KNOW WE ARE doing this right is the part that shuts down listening. We have to be willing to be uncomfortable and patient. That, at least for me, is so damn hard. We both need to keep asking “What do I most want right now?” and being willing to squirm while we wait for insights and bits of longings to show up. And to see, with LOVE, when we aren’t willing to listen or even ask!! Like I did with the cookies last night! I watched myself know I had had enough but I also let the part of myself that wanted to gorge eat more. I laughed and wished myself well and stayed awake! From my own experience that is all I can do. My heart will tell me, “It’s time to get up and do your stretches not sit here longer typing” or “Another cookie is not what you want, it’s to sit here and feel and be” or “You really want to get off Facebook and create,” and then I override that knowing – or not. The only thing I know for sure Cathy is everytime I override, IF I can stay awake and be kind to myself, something shifts. And I often can put down the cookie or pick up the pen.
Your thoughts?
I understand asking myself “do you really want this cookie?” But what is the answer is always “YES, cookie” or “reality tV” instead of “Apple” or “Walk” even though I am unhealthy. Is it just a process of exploring deeper? Why do I not see “apple” as being kind to myself? I feel I fall in to the trap of “I need my time” and it is a cookie and “reality housewives” ALOT because it is a comfort I know and love.
I just realized I sound like a two year old. Some parts of my life are amazing and wonderful and some things I constantly struggle with.
I believe, from my experience, it’s a process of being willing to have out between “cookie and reality TV” and “what else might be more nourishing?” and not know. Sometimes you do want the cookie and the show, but other times you don’t. But you don’t know what you do want or you are so afraid you can’t have it (intimacy used to be one for me) you don’t ask. So it’s not that the apple or walk are a better answer, it’s asking the question where things get rich. Does that help?
Yes it helps. For a myriad of reasons, I avoid “doing the work” when it comes to my physical health. Just goes to show that the work needs to be done. Thank you!
I loved this post and feel like I’m a shadow comfort queen from way back and numbing is my specialty. For me it is about numbing against the ‘something more’ that I can’t hope to believe in. I am so grateful affter our long journey through infertility and adoption…..and yet…but there can’t be more, only shadow comfort. A shadow is only a reflection of something that we really want. That’s where I’m at.
Kathy thank you for this. It points to an incredibly tender place, this place of hope, letting ourselves hope, letting ourselves want more. I would love to explore this more if you would be willing to say more or email me. jen at jenniferloude dot com. It feels like I might write a little book about all this.
As an adept at using shadow comforts to numb out, I was delighted to find this passage in John O’Donohue’s book on Celtic spirituality, Anam Cara:
“Nietzche said that one of the best days in his life was the day when he rebaptized all his negative qualities as his best qualities.
In this kind of baptism, rather than banishing what is at first glimpse unwelcome, you bring it home to unity with your life. This is the slow and difficult work of self-retrieval.
“Every person has certain qualities or presences in their heart that are awkward, disturbing and negative. One of your sacred duties is to exercise kindness toward them. In a sense you are called to be a lovingparent to your delinquent qualities. Your kindness will slowly poultice their negativity, alleviate their fear, and help them to see that your soul is a home where there is no judgment or febrile hunger for a fixed and limited identity.
“The negative threatens us so powerfully precisely because it is an invitation
to an art of compassion and self-enlargement that our small thinking utterly
resists. Your vision is your home, and your home should have many mansions to shelter your wild divinity.”
Interesting how often the answer seems to be, as you say above, “more compassion.”
Thank you for a thought-provoking post.
oh that John, he was a gift. Thank you for calling my attention to this piece – so much what I am doing in my own life – and will always be doing no doubt – is exactly this. May I be well. May I be at peace. Welcoming myself home again and again. So deeply important.
Jen Louden what a beautiful post. Shadow comforts is such a great topic – I love the name. I have used a variety of shadow comforts during my life and it’s so much more gratifying to accept my feelings – whatever they may be – than numbing them out with wine or sugar. So thank you for writing this.
I read this some time ago and today, still feeling ‘blerg’ and not being able to shake it with all of my usual shadow comforts, I read it again. Then I sat down and painted how I felt. Then I felt compassion for myself and now I feel better. Thank you <3
You bet, anything to help!
So much of this post spoke to my heart, Jen. Thank you! It is our very nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain, isn’t it? We don’t want to sit with the discomfort, uncertainty, and/or grief. Yet it is in these moments of complete grief, overwhelm, and sadness that, if we do not resist, if we don’t reach for a shadow comfort, we come face to face with our own inherent compassion, wisdom, and grace. Grateful for this opportunity to reflect!
Thanks for your thoughtful comment Carrie.
Jen, I had *such* a great experimental result today. I wanted to work
on my website, which is a task that usually looks like this:
“I have to!”
Inner child: “Nooooo!”
(Procrastination, misery, and eventually, some work ensues.)
Today,
I started this Monday morning by doing exactly exactly what I wanted –
no shadow version, the real right thing (this never happens, but today I
knew what it was and was free to do it). And when I was done, my happy
inner child said, “Now, what was that thing you wanted to do next?
Website? I had some ideas about that. Hand me the laptop.”
Me: *hands her the laptop in stunned silence*
It all went poof this afternoon, and I’m back procrastinating, but for a
while there this morning, I could totally see how it is all supposed to
work. Shadow comforts are not filling, they just lead to more time wasting, but doing the thing that’s real actually fills you up. You feel done, and it is okay to turn back to work. Like eating sugar versus eating real food, I guess.
That is such a wonderful story J’aime. You felt it! You were in the sweet spot. Isn’t it amazing!!