What to do if a friend ghosts you

A few months ago I asked this question on social media,

Do you ever find that, for no reason you can ascertain, a colleague you were super friendly with and supportive of, gives you the cold shoulder?

It’s hard not to take it personally. Also hard for me to ask (although I’m getting better at it) “Did I do something to offend you?”

Have you experienced this or is it just me?

This question garnered 123 comments, including:

“Oh  Jen , I was absolutely devastated about a year ago by this. When I asked what happened, the woman retorted with black-ice eyes, “I don’t have to tell you anything!” The pain and confusion are real and recovery is not easy.”

And

“Thanks for bringing us all together with your question  Jen Louden . For me it has stung in a way that’s hard to shake.”

So many women saying yes they have been ghosted, but you know what was even more fascinating?

Women saying that they had ghosted people too.

Dusti Arab (who I’m leading a free no-pitch call with on March 20th The Big Lies about Building a Writer’s Platform & How To Stop Them from Derailing You –  sign up here ) said:

I know I’ve done this to folks – and it’s almost NEVER been because of something they did or because I didn’t want to respond.

It’s historically been one of a couple of things:

1. Depression.

When I’ve fallen into a hole, I’ve missed out on so many opportunities, including a chance to support people I care about.

2. Capacity.

If my capacity is maxed out, my emails get pushed to the backburner.

These days, I’m better about putting up an autoresponder to let folks know I’m buried and to expect delays, but this was a learned thing for sure.

3. Embarrassment.

This could be from my lateness, wanting to say no and not knowing how, imposter syndrome, etc.

Of course, I thought, thank you, Dusti, thank you.

Sometimes people disappear on us because they’re dealing with big, hard, overwhelming stuff.

Stuff we know nothing about.

Remembering this really softened my heart.

It made me think of the quote “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

It also made me want to be someone who can reach out one more time. Which I did with the person in question. Yay me!

And it made me remember that just because I’ve been super friendly with a colleague, they aren’t my best friend or even perhaps my friend. Also, professional relationships can get blurred, but they are still different than friendships. So this reminded me that just because I’ve been super friendly with a colleague, I’m not their best friend or even perhaps their friend.”

Boundaries are good.

Thoughts? You can hit reply and tell me. I can’t answer all my emails or I would never write my novel, but I do read all my emails with gratitude.

GOOD STUFF I’VE READ OR WATCHED LATELY:

My favorite books I’ve read in the last month or two: When Women Were Dragons ( Amazon  |  Bookshop ), The Ministry for the Future ( Amazon  |  Bookshop ), Killers of a Certain Age ( Amazon  |  Bookshop ), and Word Medicine ( Amazon ) by my client Kellie Kirksey.

I enjoyed this webinar from my colleague Dan Blank on  Create a Sharing System: A Simple Plan to Share on Social Media, Newsletters & More ! I’m helping my writing clients grow their platforms while they write their books and Dan is a great resource.

 How can I get better feedback on my writing skills? 

 Magpie Murders on Masterpiece Theater . Her clothes are the best and the story is fun too.

 When you don’t feel like creating  and  Why You Should be Task Switching more Often  – Anne Murphy Paul brilliant as always.

 How Blocks Lead to Breakthroughs . I love Bec and Chris’s new book Written.

 Are you interested in my May online Start Your Book, Find your Hook?  It’s a powerful condensed way to lay a foundation for your nonfiction book in 3 days and eliminate many of the common roadblocks to writing a remarkable lasting book.

Keep creating!