My fourteen-year-old dog Luna died last week. She had been in failing health for two years and it was clear over the weekend she was suffering and it was time to let her go.
Bob and I cuddled her that last morning and fed her bits of cheese and told her how much we loved her and recounted her various adventures to her. I asked her to find our dogs that had gone before and my dad and sit in his lap once again.
She was confused but calm and we held her all the way through to the end, sobbing so hard I had to squint to see her take her last breath.
I’ve mourned the loss of my dog BFF who had been by my side all these years. I’ve mourned the loss of her warm solid body and her cold nose and I’ve mourned the memories of her leaping through the Grand Forest and digging holes in the backyard and the first time she was in snow, how she ran through drifts so high all you could see where the tips of her black and silver ears.
I loved Luna full out. Truly unconditional love.
As I grieved for her, a small miracle happened. Within the fullness of the love I had shown Luna, I could feel this other scratchy thread weaving in and out. As I gently focused on it, I understood: this was the thread of where I had closed to love. To loving. And to being loved.
In the midst of all replaying all that unconditional love for Luna, I could physically feel where I had done the very opposite.
Flooded with the reality Luna was gone forever and someday myself and the people I loved would be too, I saw so clearly how simple my choice always is: please open to love.
I know I will fail at this a million times between now and my last breath but what a terrific thing to fail at – loving more. Closing my laptop and looking at my beloved when he tells me a story from his day. Sitting on the porch with a neighbor and looking in her eye with my full attention instead of thinking of the work I need to get back to. Listening to my lovely daughter without trying to fix her. Slowing down to feel it and love it all.
And when Bob and I fight or my sister bugs me or I read the newspaper? Whoa, then I can really practice.
Love. Am I opening to it right now? Can I open a little more? And if not, if I forget or I’m too pissed off or I ate too much sugar the night before, can I open to loving myself just for trying?
Thank you wily strong adorable Luna dog. You left me with quite a lot to practice. I am so grateful for your love. Godspeed dear one.