I attended a “retreatshop” lead by the delicious Rachel Cole last Saturday. The subject was desire and self-care in the form of asking “What are you truly hungry for?”
Isn’t that the best question ever?
Let it roll around on your heart-belly for a long moment. Let it tickle you like a grain of sand tickles an oyster.
What are you truly hungry for?
Can you bear asking? Breath with the ache, the mystery, the desire.
We did two guided inquiries during the workshop. During the first one I basically fell asleep – it felt like my unconscious was getting fed but my conscious mind wasn’t ready to engage – enter light stupor. But during the second – I hit the mother lode of desire.
In the guided inquiry, Rachel asked us to visualize an image of our desire. Instantly I saw an Oscar. As in the golden statuette, not grumpy Muppet.
My first thought was “Crap, not that. Please not that.”
That being my ambition to create something magnificent. In the realm of story, movie, fiction: make-believe.
Because my story has been:
+ a big creative ambition is bad to want – it makes me crazy, grabby, and too driven.
+ I can’t have it (tried and failed back in the my Hollywood days).
+ it’s not spiritual to want it.
Oscar showing up felt like old news, left behind long ago, and so not helpful.
But then sweet redemption story miracle I got (pow in the 3rd eye) that it’s not about the end game. I got it’s good to want the Oscar.
Because it’s not about achieving some pinnacle and being crowned by others. Not. At. All. It’s about giving it my all. The creative dance of playing fully, of leaving it all on the field, of pouring my heart out, of letting myself love story and creative joy with my whole heart.
Oscar is a symbol to me of the desire to embody going all out.
It’s about opening to communion with Oscar. You have to want the relationship, you have to want the Oscar.
It’s about saying to myself, “This is what you most desire. Be in relationship with it, stay focused on it, let yourself want it with all your being yet without insisting that it become X and do Y.
Key words in that last bit? Relationship, focus, want – without insisting.
Self-trust is my practice and devotion to the path.
I’m so curious – is there a desire that you have abandoned because of an outmoded interpretation or an idea it isn’t healthy or okay or spiritual?
Is it possible there might be something there that is still living and breathing and calling to you?
I’d be honored to hear what that brings up for you.
P.S. I’ve been feeling a strong urge to offer coaching again. To learn more about that and be the first to know when spots open up (which might be as early as today), go here. I’m really excited!