I’ve been in a pickle of ugliness lately.
Mother-daughter stuff – both ways.
Mom and I clashing (she has early stage Alzheimer’s) about her care and I feel horrible about being so impatient and selfish about not wanting to take her places. With my girl, I can’t seem to say or do much that lands well with her.
Yes I know this is all normal and it still has me feeling pretty badly about myself.
I’m being presented daily with aspects of myself that aren’t so savory. The impatient part. The judge. The part of me that would like to snap every bright and sunny person’s head off and make a string of skulls to wear like the Goddess Kali.
Self-love feels distant and like I’m seeing it through a dirty window.
Here’s what I’m doing about all this: nothing. Not a damn thing.
I can so clearly STRONGLY feel that if I try to fix – it, me, them, us – I will be doing violence to myself. Self-improvement will lead me straight to self-loathing. When we are faced with the parts of ourselves we really don’t like, it’s so tempting to embark on a rigid plan of getting good, of trying harder. More meditation! More green juice! More service!
I’m so tired of trying. Do you ever feel that way? It’s exhausting and it doesn’t work.
So I’m treating myself like someone who has had a bad fright or run a lot of marathons. I’m writing this in my pj’s and it’s only 6:00 pm. I’m taking naps. Staying with my practices. Sawing away 10 minutes a day at my novel. And I’m keeping every last self-judgmental thought out of my head. I won’t let them in.
I’m not doing this because I think there isn’t room for improvement in my mother-daughter relationships. I’m doing it because right now is not the time for change. It’s the time for consciously stopping and soothing until… I’m ready for something else.
I’m telling you this because sometimes it might seem I’m unnaturally upbeat or happy.
Well I’m not.
So if you ever find yourself not liking yourself, put down the self-improvement and take a nap. But no mean thoughts allowed!
